I feel pretty, sad...

.
.
.
.

What is it
Fucked if I know
just a load of old shit
making me low

low is a feeling
I never know I have
low is everything
its who I am

who I am doesn’t matter
I couldn’t be further away
I don’t even have his number
And I haven’t seen him for days

I’m fucked
No choice
No breath
No voice

And
That
Is
It
Ok

Print this you mother...

After many months of my printer not working, and countless attempts to fix it.

It has finally started printing something, but not what I told it to print and it has managed to feed itself four sheets of paper at once (it must have built up quite an apatite whilst it sat on my shelf doing fuck all) and to top it all of, the four sheets are coming out diagonally.

When I say coming out I mean, the started to emerge and then stopped. Yes that’s it, four sheets, stuck, jammed and half finished.

The top of the sheet says “HP Deskjet, Hp’s most versatile colour printer for pcs” , well it is about to become even more versatile as I am going to take it to the Ormeau bridge and throw it in the fuckin’ Lagan river (I would love too, so, so, so much).

But wait, if I tap the paper feed button repeatedly I seem to be able to make the paper shift very slowly (I can hardly see it moving at all).

It seems if I continue tapping the button I may be able to get the paper out (and grow a beard at the same time… I’m thinking it might be less traumatic to sell my arse to sailors and buy a printer with the money I make).

Right, it is now 1.08 am, I am gonna count how many times I have to tap this button in order to get the paper out… here we go…….. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, ….. 30….50…79… I give up, time for plan B; rip all four sheets out at once… and… it worked.

So now I am gonna try it again, I will try to print this… wish me luck… (it is now1.20)

I am shocked, it worked!! It actually fuckin’ worked, not very good quality, but still.

So it works… after all this it works, not very well but still… I guess that means it won’t be taking a dip in the Lagan just yet.

It all evens itself out in the end…

So as the saying goes, "it all evens itself out in the end".

At least this is what people say, but it is rubbish!

It rarely evens itself out in the end.

What actually happens is, one person fucks someone over (does them a disservice) and then they fuck someone else over and a domino affect is started but there is always someone who is closer to the top of the pile and therefore someone who is closer to the bottom. Personally I am neither at the bottom nor the top but somewhere in the lower half. I would not want to be one of those wankers at the top, because they are wankers (simple as that). Not only would I not like to be one of those wankers but I would not like to even know them if I can avoid it.


What tends to happen in my experience is, people give as much to who ever they choose for their own reasons (of which there are many) and then they take what they need (or want) from people, as they feel comfortable.
I know people that seem to give too much in some ways and too little in others (that’s life) but some people give too much overall and some people take too much overall.

Living in a city I see this all the time, it is the people who are mostly considerate of others who make life better for everyone and some people just take the fuckin’ piss. There is no better place to demonstrate this point than on the roads.
You get drivers that will act with consideration for the most part and (for example) let you out at a junction. And then you get drivers that just think of themselves and “act like they own the road”. This is why we end up with “road rage”,

Too many vehicles on the road + Selfish and inconsiderate drivers = Road rage.


But what happens when you are put in the situation where you have to say, “ok, enough is enough, things can’t continue this way”?

Sometimes people get angry and defensive, especially if they feel that you are questioning their integrity (even though you may be just trying to find a balance and nip a situation in the bud before it gets out of hand).

Sometimes it can be done in a way that both parties are able to understand each other’s stance and just redraw certain boundaries and live happily ever after (for a while anyway).

Sometimes both of these things will happen; it may take a bit of conflict to resolve an issue (whether you like it or not).

You could just put up with the problem and hope it goes away, but this can be like burying your head in the sand and unless you intend to live your entire life with your head there, it will all end in tears (for sure).

So, for my own piece of mind I am going to have to do something.
Either change the way I interact with people or learn to deal with conflict in as amicable a way as I can. I just wish that someone else would sort it out for me, but that is no way for an adult to think and apparently I am an adult know (oh to be a boy again)…

So I conclude that what goes around does come around perhaps, it just doesn’t seem to come around here...

Blinded by... Toothpaste?

That’s right, toothpaste…



It does exactly what it says on the tin, but…


This morning I got out of bed went into the living room and got myself some cereal (fruit and fibre) and a cup of tea (breakfast basically).

I sat on for a bit and watched the news and checked the teletext (interactive television information service) for the football stories from last night (Aston villa after being 3 – 1 down to Wycombe wanderers manage to score 7 goals in the second half, the game finished 8 – 3).

The news was mainly about “Hurricane Hillary” * (see footnote), I had to wait for the water to heat up so I could have a shave (cold water shaves make hot water shaves look like fun, and I hate fuckin’ shaving).

Anyway, after I had my shower I decided I would brush my teeth before shaving, that way the toothpaste wouldn’t irritate my newly shaven face (seemed like a logical and well informed decision at the time).

This is when it happened…

I was using the new Colgate toothpaste with mouthwash and gritty bits that act like a facial scrub for your teeth (a gimmick, but let’s just say it was on “very, special offer” ), as you may or may not be aware, it does not come in a tube like standard toothpaste.

Instead it comes in a small plastic container with a flip lid at the top (I can’t describe it better than that) and it has a small hole to squirt the toothpaste onto your brush.

A few days ago I was closing the lid of the toothpaste and it splashed (I would say skited but that isn’t a proper word, but it should be) a tiny amount in the direction of my eye. I was very worried but it wasn’t that bad.

This morning however, as I flipped open the lid of the toothpaste I somehow managed to squirt a large amount into my (soon to be very fuckin’ sore) eye.

I dropped my toothbrush and said to myself (rather loudly, I might add) “Shit, Fuck, oh shit, ow, fuckin’ ‘ell, what the fuck, I am fuckin’ blinded”.

It was not pleasant.

I pulled myself together and started to splash water in my eye. My eye kept closing and almost locking itself shut. Believe it or not, by this point I had calmed down enough to think rationally and compose myself a bit. I was still in a state of shock however, I was thinking;

would I have to go to hospital?

How long would this sting for?

Would I have a case to sue Colgate or am I in fact “pretty bloody stupid”?


Anyway, that was about an hour ago and my eye feels fine now (thank fuck).



The moral of this tale


The moral of this tale is simple; toothpaste was better before they started to mix it with mouthwash and gritty bits. There is nothing wrong with the standard toothpaste in a tube format and if toothpaste manufacturers want to play god and start messing with nature, they need to think about the consequences of there actions.



*(Footnote) As i was writing this it occurred to me, in relation to “Hurricane Hillary” and "Hurricane Katrina" , many years ago the reaction to natural disasters was to see them as a sign of whatever god was flavour of the month being pissed of with something. I am in no way saying that this is the case and that god is pissed of with America.

But it might be a good idea to offer a sacrifice up to the gods (for example your president), and see if things improve. In my mind, it is definitely worth a try…

White, brown and blue

To start with I flew
In skies white, brown and blue
Days later I crashed
Once the cheques had been cashed

Queues of emotions came flooding back in
A mind pays the price, for a weekend of sin
That’s just the nature, that’s how it goes
For hours awake and shit up my nose

Smoked, swallowed and snorted
Till the truth is distorted
Highs lauded and applauded
Lows badly reported

It might be ok, once in a blue moon
I know I’ll feel fine, and the mist will pass soon
That’s just the price; I’m willing to pay
For living fifty hours in the space of one day

It’s cheeky and exciting
Risky and inviting
To thoughts often frightening
That can split you like lightening

Whilst the low can consume me
To start with I flew
It was nice just to see them
skies white brown and blue

Good idea, bad idea!

I take notions, like anybody else I guess, but it’s amazing how an idea can seem like the only way to go and then with the gift of hindsight… well the gift of hindsight clearly shows me, not only was I wrong but… It is hard to see how I ever thought I was right in the first place… And I feel totally fuckin’ stupid.


I don’t agree with political correctness (I hate it, most of the time it is practiced by idiots who have no sense of humour or irony) however, I never seem to think how my words will actually sound.

It is a case of; Act, await consequences, and then think about what I have just said or done… It does amuse people sometimes, which is nice!
I don’t take myself too seriously, but I don’t want to sound like an arrogant wanker, mainly because I am not, I am in actual fact, what is known as, a bit of an idiot (sometimes).
I like making people happy, It makes me happy (I like being happy) and that is what life is about (to me).



There is no point too this story, rant or whatever this is.
I am just thinking out loud (again).



Anyway, Have a nice day!!!

First Love, By john clare (1793 – 1864)

First Love, By john clare (1793 – 1864)

I ne'er was struck before that hour
With love so sudden and so sweet,
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower
And stole my heart away complete.
My face turned pale as deadly pale.
My legs refused to walk away,
And when she looked, what could I ail?
My life and all seemed turned to clay.

And then my blood rushed to my face
And took my eyesight quite away,
The trees and bushes round the place
Seemed midnight at noonday.
I could not see a single thing,
Words from my eyes did start --
They spoke as chords do from the string,
And blood burnt round my heart.

Are flowers the winter's choice?
Is love's bed always snow?
She seemed to hear my silent voice,
Not love's appeals to know.
I never saw so sweet a face
As that I stood before.
My heart has left its dwelling-place
And can return no more.

don't think, just do! (i think)

I’ve come to accept some things in the past while, in relation to relationships (as in time spent with members of the opposite sex that I find attractive).

I have spent years feeling inferior, lowly and insecure.

I don’t know why.
I would like to think that it is because I am embarrassed to be male, that the lack of respect I see other men giving to women makes me want to even things out by being totally timid and shy. Always waiting for the woman to make the first move, not wanting to be too forceful.

But in truth, I am probably just insecure and nervous.

In my experience, women want men to approach them, that’s the way thing are done.

Maybe it will change, I do think that women have power over men, but men think they are in control. Bullshit! Women are in touch with there sexuality, most men are just cocks with legs… well, who am I to think I am different. Just because I think about things and analyse them in depth, all of that means nothing.




I am very aware that analysing every bit of behaviour can produce profound and deep revelations. But when I am wrong (as everybody is at one time or another), I get things so mixed up and confused that I end up filling my head full of crap. And start to believe that crap.
That is probably human nature, but I think too much and must stop.

I went to see the doctor and told him that I think too much and get very depressed because of it (and I mean full on depression) and he gave me some advice, he told me to “Stop thinking”.

Well if only someone had told me that ten years ago. All I have to do is stop thinking, easy fuckin’ peasy.

My lot in life is to think and think and think, all I can do is try. Try to control my mind
and not let it take me away.

I think I can do that, I hope I can, because if I don’t, I am well and truly fucked.

So all I know for now is, I need to focus my energy and thought on constructive tasks, get myself educated and use my mind to learn.
Tire my brain so that I don’t have any energy left, and then maybe I won’t lie awake in bed at night, spending hours thinking about a something that took up five minutes of my day.
Well that’s the plan anyway…

Life, oh life, oh life!

This past while I have been caught in a mist
So angry and unhappy, except when I’m pissed
At least if feels that way and I have to say
I am sad for the smiles that I’ve missed.

I feel alone and unwanted, left out in the cold
My heart thumps and moans and a sickness does grow
Till it fills me, consumes me and I cannot eat
Filled with sadness, frustration and the stench of defeat

The tears that I need, never shall fall
My soul is a well; well I don’t feel at all
My illness is sadness, my sadness is ill
Ill content’s hard, a nightmare to kill

A dam keeps the tears high and stockpiled inside
When they come they are violent and so hard to hide
A reservoir of sadness a mountain of pain
One day I may drown, pulled down by my brain

Thoughts often a muddle, pain lives my eyes
Sweet songs replaced by shudders and sighs
Bound up with tension, cold and unwell
My life could be heaven but I’m living in hell.

Rioting in Belfast...

It is now Monday and Belfast is still in a state of disquiet due to the actions of a minority of its citizens.

From 4 pm (perhaps before) traffic was reduced to a crawl citywide, roads have been blocked in several loyalist areas, preventing people from traveling about freely.

According to news articles I have read on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/4236282.stm some people in working class loyalist areas feel that the parades commission is biased in favor of nationalists and that they are getting a rough deal, so they feel as they are not allowed to march in an area that is nationalist (due to the residents have opposing the march), that they will then disrupt the whole city and inconvenience everybody in order to make their point.


Blockades

I witness 1st hand, one of these blockades earlier today in the Tigers bay area of Belfast, the remains of a burnt out bus and other debris were strewn across the road and the barricade was manned (or supervised might be a better word) by a boy with a scarf wrapped around his face covering his mouth, he looked no older than ten years of age although he could have been as young as eight, some residents (adults) stood out the front of their houses and looked on.

Is this acceptable behavior for a young boy?
I am sure that this would have been great fun for him, to have his first taste of power and excitement and to feel part of something, a community activity, but what lessons will he learn?

Will he grow up feeling this behavior is acceptable?

Is this behavior normal for a young boy?

It is a cliché, but it is one hundred percent true, the children are our future.

When we are no longer here, they will be left to run things.

What future lies in store for a child who at such a young age is standing in front of a barricade on his own whilst adults stand by and watch?

What lessons will he learn from his peers and the adults around him?

I would like to point out that children on both sides of the political divide in Northern Ireland are left to participate in riotous antisocial behavior.



The situation is not helped when political leaders who have the ability to influence people stir up feelings of anger and refuse to accept any responsibility for the consequences.

We have seen radical Muslim clerics being scrutinized and criticized for inflaming tensions and encouraging extremism in Britain, but for years in Northern Ireland certain political leaders have inflamed tensions and instilled a siege mentality into many citizens.
It is difficult for people to ignore the rhetoric from community leaders and politicians that seek to achieve their political goals by manipulating people’s fears and insecurities with scare stories and sensationalist sound bites.

Many people in Northern Ireland have just learned to accept the fact that from time to time roads will be blocked, vehicles will be stolen and set ablaze and innocent people will be terrorized and put out of there homes. As long as it is not on their doorstep it isn’t important enough to bother them, and that they can’t do anything to change things here, that is just the way it is.

Can you imagine what it is like to wake up in fear of your life, to have bricks and petrol bombs thrown through your windows as you sleep?

Well it happens, and it is just one of those things, apparently.

That may well change if it happens to you or your loved ones, but it probably won’t so what do you care?

We all have a voice and we all have a choice, we can choose to ignore this behavior or to speak out, to come together in a show of support or simply say, “I’m aright jack, it’s not my fight”.


You can want peace in Northern Ireland, but unless you show support for the victims, for the people who you see on the news who are directly affected by the trouble here, nothing will ever change…

America, F*ck yeah, coming to save the mother f*cking world yeah!

It seems that the citizens of America have come up trumps (going by the news reports I have seen), you are there for the needy, but where was your government?
Is this the way of the world? was it my imagination?
Or… does the man who resides in the white house give a rat’s arse about anyone else, bar the people (dare I say corporations) that got him elected in the first place?

Well fair play to all the people who contributed to the relief effort, it is good to see a bit of humanity for a change.

I could go on about starvation in the rest of the world, but I won’t, we all know that the wealth on this rock is not distributed fairly, and we accept it…

What is the life of someone you will never see or hear worth anyway?

I know better...

Judith,

There once was a girl named Judith
Whom I wanted so much just to be with
She lit up the dark and instilled such a spark
But she was no pleasure, nor a walk in the park

I gave her my emotions to play with
But she didn’t want to know, so I must let her go
And sit thinking silly, what if?
If she’s seen the fire and understood my desire

But none of this matters, all that’s left is the patter
Of an idea so misguided, underrated and shattered
That I just feel silly, so immature and feeble
But at the end of the day I’ll always be able

To know who I am and know how I feel
At the time I feel them, these feelings are real
But love can tell lies, at least in my head
But I know I’m not better, not better of dead

Judith looks good in my head and my arms
She’s soft and she’s lovely, petite and so cuddly
But she has her own mind, and it don’t include me
That is my lot, so unfortunately.
Judith,

Northen Ireland 1, England 0!!!

Sven Goran Eriksson, Time to go…

Tonight England lost to Northern Ireland 1 - 0, a great result for Northern Ireland but a very worrying one for the English.

This, coming a few days after England struggle to beat Wales 1 – 0.
Although the battling qualities of both of these sides is a testament to their hard work and determination, you cannot ignore the fact that England have a squad of players who would are top draw and should be world-beaters.

I have had my doubts about Eriksson since he took over back in 2001 and nothing has changed.
In Portugal 2004 (European championships) he showed a lack of imagination and did little to freshen up the team, I believe that England had the players to beat Portugal but not the manager to mould them into a team.

Whilst I agree that you cannot lay all the blame for poor results at the feet of the manager, I also think that it is the manager’s responsibility to motivate and inspire confidence within his team, if Eriksson does this why are they so shit.

Kevin Keegan did ok and then quit when he felt he could do no more (at least he was honest and modest)
Terry Venables resigned due to off the field matters, which was such a shame as I think the players at the time felt like a team and respected their manager.

I don’t know who should replace Sven, all I know is that he isn’t the man for the job.
This is not a knee jerk reaction and I am not of the opinion that the England manager should be English, I just want Eriksson to go away and not come back

Over the years I have watched the Republic of Ireland grind out fantastic results and qualify for major tournaments with a much more limited pool of players than the English have ever had, they have shown great passion, determination and team spirit and they are a credit to the nation they represent.

England’s team however look stale and limp and have done on too many occasions recently, maybe the English tabloid press is partly to blame for there sensationalist bandwagon jumping headlines (the tabloids are complete scum, they are the scum that scum is ashamed of) constantly undermining confidence in the team and its manager.

You might say England fans expect too much and the results the team has achieved under Sven Goran Eriksson are good enough for them, but that is complete rubbish, they should be up there with the best teams in the world, with players like Beckham, Owen, Rooney, Gerard, Lampard, Terry, Ashley Cole, Ferdinand and so on to pick from, they should be competing with the worlds elite. Instead they underachieve and never seem to unite as a solid team.


In closing I have one thing to say “sort it out will ya, please”.

I’m just a post

To see the only love of my life cry, I want to throw my arms around her forever
I doubt she returns the sentiment, it’s not important, I cherish her
She’s a wonderful woman, and I want the best for her always and forever
It’s a shame and a crime to find a fantastic human and not be together.

We fight and we bicker and I feel so shit
She needs a love, and I know I’m not it
Her hurt hurts me and I feel for her so
So I’ll nag her and bug her and pester her to go

And achieve her potential to show the world
Such amazing things, to come from this girl
This girl ain’t your normal, close to pure and to perfect
She’s an angel, she’s a chore and I’m sure that she’s worth it.

What I’m trying to say is basically
Louise Marie Gribben is so special simply
That I wish she were the one for me
But for some reason, it just wasn’t meant to be.
But I do love you so much, oh so much Louise.

X o x

A change is needed

Sick of feeling sorry for myself, this world has lots for me to see and do.

I am now 27 years old, I don’t know what I want from life.
My major stumbling block is relationships, I spend too much time wanting to be with someone. I don’t seem to have the ability to have a balanced outlook, I am lacking confidence in relation to trying new things. I have a massive fear of failure, I know that I cannot always get my way in life but get so into an idea that when reality dawns, I have been too busy fantasising about how good it will be and end up feeling lost. I have no idea whether I always think in this way and just get down about stuff or only get down because I think this way at times.

I think too much, about silly things and get wound up by nothing.
The whole thing about trivial shit is, its trivial, unimportant.

So anyway it’s 4.33am and I am totally motivated and ready to sort out my life, unfortunately I can’t do the things I need to do just now as it late (or early).
But it’s always late, I only ever feel composed for short spurts, but I am addressing these issues and that is a start.

I would love to be able to look at this one day and know that this was the point when I started feeling like living again.

We’ll see

From dreams to mistrust...

In a world of poor judgement, prejudice and fear
Many thoughts so clouded, unwise and unclear
See people pushed in to pigeonholes until they get stuck
When you try tell the man, the man don’t give a fuck

The man he ain’t human, he’s a robot these days
Wages wars for the greedy and forgets the needy
In the pocket of a demon from the U.S of A
Who makes money for his cronies and wealth grabbing phoneys

Oh Tony, oh Tony what happened to you
From liberal to Tory, in pursuit of glory
War’s not a game; it’s shameful and gory
And childless parents know too well this story

People aren’t numbers in this day and this age
Treat them like statistics the response will be rage
But we will gain nothing with your head on the block
Why did you do business with that American crock?

The man is a Muppet, just his daddy’s puppet
Raised as a tool an incompetent fool
Put your head in the sand and think what you like
George junior is no more than the Bush second Reich

So you’ve dealt with the devil, how does it feel?
Lost the respect of your people, your words are not real
When you see bombs and chaos so close to home
Do you realize now why you’re out on your own?

Too much spin is a sin; you can’t hide where you’ve been
You’re supposed to be leading, not draining and deceiving
Your morality’s tainted, and cannot be painted
You’re democracy’s fuzzy and your people are cheated.

You can say that you tried, and that you never lied
But when you signed up for war, something inside of you died
It was the humanity within you, which I used to trust
Now when your mouth flaps, your words aren’t worth dust.

Memories Make the Man*

Sometimes memories are all you have
If you cling to them too much you will get nowhere
But with just the right attention, they can make smiles happen
Memories make stories, reflecting gone but not forgotten glories

Memories of love overpower hate
Lessons learnt from fingers burnt
It takes a fool to ignore them
No one is that foolish or daft

Your first kiss, your first bike
Your first drink, your first fight
Some good, sure, others not
Relish laughs and smiles you’ve got

Embedded, engraved, etched and cashed
Some maybe viewed or secretly stashed
If there comes a time, you’re not sure who you are
You’re the mountain of memories you’ve climbed so far

So you’ve got this baggage, some good and some bad
Sometimes memories are all you have
Have a good life, filled with tears and cheers
I off to the pub to get blocked on beers…

*Or Woman (I needed another “M” sound, ok)

Beautifully soft

When you are so soft and gentle
Experience is experimental
But you bleed hard fast and long
That’s what your there for after all, something soft to break their fall

Softness is a virtue
They’ve passed their hurt in to you
Pride of place, wear it on your face
Or paint a smile to hide disgrace

So soft a lovely sofa to be sat on
Jumped on, worn down and shat on
That’s what you get
have you learned nothing yet

Yet you want to trust
Happiness or bust
They’ve had their fun, and you’ve had some
Do you think they care if you’ve had none

Some people aren’t at all aware
Others know but just don’t care
Instead they leave you hanging there
They don’t have time to stand and stare

Their life goes on, nothing wrong
It was your wish to be strung along
Sliced diced, pre-packed meat
Pre-packed pain to be sold again

Frozen circles thawed and cracked
Pain’s a gift, can’t be taken back
Just wrap it up and pass it on
They must be right, they’re never wrong

But you bleed, hard, fast and long…

Lead-head

Reason won’t contend
With a twisted head
Words aren’t absorbed
But wasted instead

Try as you may
When people are walls
And ears broken bridges
Immune to your calls

As reason is blunt
Not sharp but unsure
Questions confused
In thoughts so impure

Frustration is all
Solutions like dreams
A wall is a wall
And a wall’s what it seems

So try as you might
And try as you may
To lift the dark
And bring in the day

Reason won’t contend
With a twisted head
Words aren’t absorbed
But wasted instead

Nobodys perfect

In pursuit of perfection
Destined to fail
Nothing is perfect
Nothing is bad
Nothing’s a waste
Nothing is sad

Sad to have nothing
Sad to see nothing
Smiles always mean something
I know when I’m somewhere
There’s always a light there
And I’m able to share

Share my emotions
Open to the world
Accepting its flow
It’s easy to glow
Enough space to grow
I can go where I go

All is so clear
I’m no longer blind
Blinded by fret
Mangled young mind
Tangled up vision
Wrapped in indecision

I love you mum!

Oh mother your lovely and I am your son
Mother you’re so stubborn and too I am one
One of those people, imposable to teach
Try as you may, you just cannot reach

Reach for the stars and do it alone
Find yourself falling, as you whinge and you moan
You don’t need to be told, it’s not that you’re bold
But timing is all, you know your own mould

Mold will set in, we know where we’ve been
Injustice ingratitude and a world steeped in sin
But sin is part, part of what we have learned
From the pain in our souls, as our souls have been burned

Forgiveness is all we have in defence
Of a world so foolish and silly and dense
But love will not die as they leave us to cry
Who gives a fuck if they spit in our eye

Not me and not you, they do as they do
Hopefully for them they don’t have a clue
For guilt can be good, as it can be bad
But we are what we are and the times that we’ve had

Sunshine is everything, everything is you
Without you I’m nothing, I don’ have a clue
So thanks to your mother and her mother too
‘cause you are the best, oh mum I love you.

Sea sick

I’m just silly me feeling sorry for myself
ruts of self-pity lurk upon the ocean shelf
Trawlers even pass me by as I lie down at the bottom
Old flames don’t burn for me as I’m gone but not forgotten

To live and learn to love myself
As I love my friends and see their wealth
Don’t want them stuck upon the shelf
As I avoid dealing with my own health

Take my vitamins and iron each day
I love my sleep and cannot say
If dreams are best and life is not
Maybe dreams are all I’ve got

To have dreams and love to give
To love life and love to live
Is all and everything, everything I need
Everything ain’t here at the bottom of the sea

Cats…

I don’t like cats they’re too self-assured
They know they’re cute and they play on it
When they purr they relax me to this I’m allured
So I sell myself and I act like a dick

But not all cats act quite like this
Some are like dogs, not quite so sly
Dogs are ok ‘cause they don’t take the piss
They’d rather lick you than claw out your eyes

It’s a question of balance and standards I think
It’s not black and white but a mixture of ink
Sometimes are lighter and others are dark
Predictability always kills the spark

There’s no perfection with cats and dogs
Never a prince and never a frog
Fantasies always come apart at the seems
But there’s nothing so lovely as chasing a dream.

Cats and dogs

My minds not a cat
My mind is a dog
Let off the lead and it could just run off
Before you know it, it’s out of sight.

Running across roads, no thought for the danger
Stopping and trusting any old stranger
Lovely but silly no sense for itself
But base instincts at least are some help.

If I could train that dog to walk off his lead
Slowly and surely, that’s all I would need
Then when trusts there, worries are few
Good doggy, bad doggy, how I love you.

Silly, or getting by?

In a hurry to get high
Not content to get by
World is good when I fly
But I come down with a sigh

Stealing emotions I think I deserve
But I don’t know what’s worse
Never been so high, not in my life
Sick of waiting, there’s more to life than masturbating

There’s trees, sky
all these things that pass me by
‘cause I’m in a hurry
can’t stop and worry

Can’t dream if I wake up
I know that I’ll feel, down on my luck
But self medicated
I don’t give a fuck

I must find a balance
A way to work out
Part purpose part acceptance
A path to contentment

If I can keep going
Increase what I know
Know who I am
And don’t stop to feel low

No hurry to get high
Just content to get by
World is good when I fly
And I no longer sigh.

Mixed up and naive

So much love and not a clue
So much beauty never shared
All my hopes, chasing you
Chewed up and unreal

Grow up fast
Learn and last
It’s only time
Time will pass

Heart don’t die
Love my life
Love my love
Is all I have

One mind

One mind
Kept in two pots
Poured from two taps
They fight

Why

Why can’t she merge them
Why can’t she purge them
What has she done
Done to deserve them

Nothing

As far as I see
She would be lovely
If she could be free
Then there’s still hope for me

Bollocks

A kick in the stones ain’t what I need
A boot in the balls causes pain indeed
Pain in my nuts they internally bleed
I need them nuts to produce my seed

Sowing that seed ain’t easy it seems
Confined to oceans of watery dreams
……

Life is what you make of it...

Paranoia is contagious, a self fulfilling prophesy
I sense it almost all the time, and it is just too much for me
We’re just humans with too many issues
Too much time and minds to misuse

If you think at all, you’ll think too much
But keep your head and don’t loose your touch
‘cause if you do then life’s a bitch
just cage your thoughts or find a switch

It’s hard to deal with unearned hate
So convinced they do, I seal my own fate
I can’t even talk, it’s way too late
I feel like a foe, and no longer a mate

When I sense it too much I loose my own head
Just a shed of the truth keeps me hanging instead
Instead of moving along with a light in my eyes
It’s curtains for me and sleepless nights

Stress...

Stress, I just wanna get caned
Depression, I just wanna stay sane
These two things fight in my brain

Circles, always the same
Another year older and six months braver
I crave for someone, to hold and to savour

To share my life
No need for a wife
Just a fellow flame to burn in my life

The more that I want
The less I can see
The hurt and the anguish it all causes me

At the end of the day
I’ll wish I were gay
I know eventually I’ll find my own way

what the hell?

Where did this feeling come from?
I’m floating in,out and around pain
Not in,out, under or above it
Not happy but definitely not sad

Certainly not blue, grey maybe
But is it grey, how much does this say
To you , to anyone, I can’t keep up
With myself

Confusion would be clearer
Contradictions, coagulations, calculations
“Wombles bleed” in railway stations
It will pass

They say that girl is a rocket...

What goes on it the guts of a rocket?
Seems like life from an unknown source
An enigmatic creature attractive and random
Can’t be controlled by feather of force

Why do I run there what could it be
It can’t be moulded, misshapen and unfolded
So stubborn enough to get myself hurt
But pain is learning and I have a yearning


To skip along feeling, strong looking like nothings wrong
‘cause life’s a breeze, to be enjoyed with ease
and get in the way of things, exposed to happenings
I’ve lost my train, tripped over my words

Famous last words

Well a chance is a chance and it’s time to take one
I can just get a new heart if I should break this one
It’s better to risk than to regret not living
This rarity’s lovely, I know when she hugs me

But one step at a time
So’s not to wreck my mind
‘cause good as she may be
nothing definite, but maybe

maybe I’ll swim in a sea of love
maybe I’ll drown in a pool of sorrow
maybe I’ll float on a breeze so gentle
thinking too much will drive me mental

I’ve got things to do
I’ve got fat to chew
If you think I’m unwise
Quite simply, fuck you

war

A head can be useful
But also a chore
A burden to bear
Ideas to share

Ideas can be lovely
Also a wrench
Torture or pleasure
In uneven measure

Measure your fortune
Dispense with your woes
That’s easier said
Than done as it goes

As when darkness has you
In the palm of its hand
A head can be useless
The mind cannot plan

For a future that’s torture
Life has no answer
Sleep seems much better
When you’re under attack

There is no intruder
Or external invader
God loves you so
So much that he’s made ya

Made ya pathetic
Unable to deal
With feeling these feelings
These feelings you feel

But love will come back
It’s as simple as that
Nothing is bad
But it passes, with time.

Thou shalt, or else

I love you oh lord, why do you forsake me
Just to test me I’m sure, with this pain I endure
Bless me and mess me and mentally rape me
To be born again, surfer no pain, leaving a preacher to fill up my brain

Preacher, teacher tell me how to think
If it wasn’t for you
I’d have no view
And the sermon of robots wouldn’t know what to do

Well aren’t you so special
A symptom of the lord
Should I bow or kneel
Whistle or applaud

So sorry to upset
To unhinge or offend
But if I need advice
I’ll consult my rear end

Not just another pretty farce

Wise up love…

To have got by all your life just using your looks
The art of stage management and subtle direction
Some call them stunners, I call them crooks
As they slither through life avoiding detection

A flutter a pout and free drink in hand
And a wall is installed and indignant they stand
With a smirk in their mind but as years pass they’ll find
That the charm they once had, has long gone behind

I’m glad I’m not female; if I were I would blush
As the balance is offset, unstable and changing
Embittered with issues seeking men to then crush
Emotions smashed as dreams are dashed, you’ll see no return for the cheques they have cashed.

I don’t seek perfection, just a lack of deception
Free to open my heart without too much protection
To float like a cloud, without worry or strain
Some soft sensibility to sleep in my brain

Honesty, trust and an equal arrangement
Instead of lies, barbs and self satisfaction
I can’t be a spare, someone else’s replacement
A pastime, a hobby or a part time distraction.

Out on my own...

I have formed a splinter blog. Just to see how it feels to have complete control.
so far so good.