The Silver Ninjas

Members of a group that have been dubbed “The Silver Ninjas” have been spotted in several locations throughout the city of Belfast. The Group is thought to be made up of members reportedly ranging between 68 and 94 years of age who through a third party have released the following statement -
“We, The Silver Ninjas feel it is time we made this city a better, safer place for its citizens. Due to a rising number of incidents involving our fellow Silver Brethren we have felt it impossible to stand back and do nothing. We shall not rest until the streets are safe (excluding 8pm – 9 pm every Sunday when we retreat to our secret Ninja Lair to watch Antiques road show [in the event that 1990’s Antiques themed romp Lovejoy should be brought back we shall also be watching it too but apart from that we’re here 24/7] if you don’t like it you can bugger off”.

The PSNI have appealed for the group to disband and urge any citizen who is thinking of taking the law in their own hands to “stop it right now!”

It is thought that the group have drawn inspiration from a similar group hailing from New York calling themselves “Pensioners with a penchant for justice” who have attracted huge public support from young and old alike in and around the city.

PSNI spokesperson Ryan Adams had this to say “I love New York, but you need to leave policing to the police, it’s a difficult job but we are fully trained professionals and do not need amateur vigilantes (no matter how well meaning they are) out on the streets”.

This has done nothing to dissuade an ever increasing amount of citizens to voice their support for the group; one lady when interviewed had this to say “They’re great so they are, the peelers don’t help us sure they don’t. Know what I mean like”

Belfast city residents will just have to see how this situation plays out but one thing’s for sure. The Silver Ninjas are here to stay (excluding Sundays from 8 – 9pm).

Upon the Battlefield

Look upon the battlefield,
The corpses of your enemies
Think of what they had in mind,
Think about their families
You cut them down on common ground
On your way to victory
Now they lay lifeless not a sound,
Consigned to stats in history.

Seven thousand numbered dead,
Just thirty took one to the head
“Many of ours?” a General said
“Fifteen each the report read”
“Fifteen all, disappointing”
“Still, we sent those buggers packing”
“Shame about the bullets though”
“That’s where all the money goes”

“But we lost two hundred men today”
“Really Colonel, go away”
“I don’t have time for sentiment”
“Your insubordination MUST relent”
“Off you go now, arrange those letters”
“chop chop now, there’s a good fella”
So colonel marches, falls in line
General sits back, killing time.

So what was all this fighting for?
We feed the rich, exploit the poor
And send beloved sons to war
As is now and was before
Our kin shan’t glimpse wars front line
They’ll run the show when comes peace time
Others children sweat and toil
And we shall trade their blood for oil.

Phillip fucking Schofield

He’s the tube that hosts the cube
The schmaltzy little worm
My word I hate that little prick-
-who’s prompting me to gurn

I’d slap him in to Thursday
Maybe kick him in the teeth
In truth I gest, I must confess
Though he’s a schmuck at very least

He makes Noel Edmonds seem quite cool
That high trousered high waste band fool
I just don’t get, what’s his appeal?
Boxes, really? Piss off, no deal

So back to phill, the plum named pip
A man who could make vomit sick
So insincere and smug and vain
I feel the urge to wretch again

And wretch I do, many times
This grey haired slug he drips with slime
He’s the fart in the lift, the shit on your shoe
There’s only one thing left to do

Reach t’ward the tv, turn it off
Don’t be infected by phill scoff
He’ll weasel inside your very soul
Using grey haired mind control

Before you know it, you’ll be dead
Unto the world and in your head
A once good brain, lobotomised
As Schofield’s Satan in disguise.