Blinded by... Toothpaste?

That’s right, toothpaste…



It does exactly what it says on the tin, but…


This morning I got out of bed went into the living room and got myself some cereal (fruit and fibre) and a cup of tea (breakfast basically).

I sat on for a bit and watched the news and checked the teletext (interactive television information service) for the football stories from last night (Aston villa after being 3 – 1 down to Wycombe wanderers manage to score 7 goals in the second half, the game finished 8 – 3).

The news was mainly about “Hurricane Hillary” * (see footnote), I had to wait for the water to heat up so I could have a shave (cold water shaves make hot water shaves look like fun, and I hate fuckin’ shaving).

Anyway, after I had my shower I decided I would brush my teeth before shaving, that way the toothpaste wouldn’t irritate my newly shaven face (seemed like a logical and well informed decision at the time).

This is when it happened…

I was using the new Colgate toothpaste with mouthwash and gritty bits that act like a facial scrub for your teeth (a gimmick, but let’s just say it was on “very, special offer” ), as you may or may not be aware, it does not come in a tube like standard toothpaste.

Instead it comes in a small plastic container with a flip lid at the top (I can’t describe it better than that) and it has a small hole to squirt the toothpaste onto your brush.

A few days ago I was closing the lid of the toothpaste and it splashed (I would say skited but that isn’t a proper word, but it should be) a tiny amount in the direction of my eye. I was very worried but it wasn’t that bad.

This morning however, as I flipped open the lid of the toothpaste I somehow managed to squirt a large amount into my (soon to be very fuckin’ sore) eye.

I dropped my toothbrush and said to myself (rather loudly, I might add) “Shit, Fuck, oh shit, ow, fuckin’ ‘ell, what the fuck, I am fuckin’ blinded”.

It was not pleasant.

I pulled myself together and started to splash water in my eye. My eye kept closing and almost locking itself shut. Believe it or not, by this point I had calmed down enough to think rationally and compose myself a bit. I was still in a state of shock however, I was thinking;

would I have to go to hospital?

How long would this sting for?

Would I have a case to sue Colgate or am I in fact “pretty bloody stupid”?


Anyway, that was about an hour ago and my eye feels fine now (thank fuck).



The moral of this tale


The moral of this tale is simple; toothpaste was better before they started to mix it with mouthwash and gritty bits. There is nothing wrong with the standard toothpaste in a tube format and if toothpaste manufacturers want to play god and start messing with nature, they need to think about the consequences of there actions.



*(Footnote) As i was writing this it occurred to me, in relation to “Hurricane Hillary” and "Hurricane Katrina" , many years ago the reaction to natural disasters was to see them as a sign of whatever god was flavour of the month being pissed of with something. I am in no way saying that this is the case and that god is pissed of with America.

But it might be a good idea to offer a sacrifice up to the gods (for example your president), and see if things improve. In my mind, it is definitely worth a try…