Feckin' Vocoders....

*What is a Vocoder? 

A vocoder is something absolute wankers use on their recordings because they think it makes them sound classy.

*Does it make them sound classy?

No. It never makes them sound classy. You cannot polish a turd. You can however make it more rancid and vile.

*How do you make a turd more rancid and vile?

You use a vocoder. 

*Who uses vocoders?

Fuckwhits like will i am. A man who lives in a world so detached from reality, taste and decency that he has himself convinced that not only is he talented and worthy of air time but he also thinks that spelling his name in the ridicules fashion is somehow profound, deep and meaningful.

Multi platinum pop relic Cher has also been known to employ the use of a vocoder, perhaps in some form of misguided attempt to "connect wit da yute" and thus keep herself forever young until she slides of this rock a withered and unsightly husk of a being. 

The saddest thing being that Cher, unlike the aforementioned former Black Eyed Peas front man and bell-end, actually possess some genuine musical talent and is (or perhaps was) capable of singing perfectly acceptable pop songs. Sadly for Cher it seems the last train to dignity has long since departed, that stretch of rail-road has been discontinued due to it being deemed unprofitable and therefore not financially viable. The lights are on in the old station house but nobodies home. 

It seems that using a vocoder has become a right of passage for every second rate recording artist and that manage to confound all logic to actually go on and make a living out of their "talent". Leading me to think that perhaps the end of the world is not in fact nigh, it is already upon us. 

*So, you're not a fan of the vocoder then?

Er, No

If there was one thing I personally could uninvent or nullify the existence of I would struggle to choose between the Vocoder and the Atomic Bomb. 

Both are a very sad indictment of humanity as a whole but I suppose in truth I would extricate my personal gripe with this ungodly instrument of torture and chose the Atomic Bomb. After all I can always stick pins in my ears rendering them immune to the nauseating effects of this audible vomit fart. 

*But I like the vocoder and I think that will i am, Usher, Cher and co. are pushing the boundaries of music taking us to strange and wonderful new places. What's wrong with that am I not entitled to my opinion?

[sigh] You are entitled to fuck off. 

- Next weeks rant will be focusing on cringe-worthy local news stories that contain a nauseating, vomit inducing "feel good factor", Sports Utility Vehicles, spatulas and people that take pride in cooking chicken using a sachet of premixed herbs and spices where all that is required is the skill to put it in the oven at a set temperature and remove it a specified time period later and yet they have the audacity to smugly call it their "speciality". Also, If there is time I will also be sharing fantastic recipe tips and ideas such as chocolate flavoured sellotape, cheese and broccoli ice cubes and how to make crack cocaine out of Weetabix... 

Because knowledge is power